Heaven's not so far away

Wednesday.
Thursday.
Friday.
Saturday.
Sunday.
Monday.
Tuesday.
Christmas Eve.
Christmas.
Friday.
Saturday.
Sunday.
Envy on the Coast show.
Envy on the Coast show.
New Year's Eve.
New Year's Day.
Two thousand nine, I cannot wait for you.
Six months, nine days until summer vacation.
A couple of months and then it's high school for me.
I cannot wait.

GNARLY~

auto response from trashyyxtragedyy:
i am butch walker.

auto response from riss onthe coast:
i am keanu reeves

<3333
ONLY ON SUNDAY NIGHTS!
my my I love Tori

It's not a pleasant feeling when it's like you don't even have time to breathe.
Let alone get schoolwork accomplished, successfully, do housework, make sure promises you make are kept, and to take care of yourself.
When things randomly come up you can't avoid them, or just don't want to, and then all the pressure is on. Way more pressure than before, when you had hours and hours and hours of work awaiting at home.

You can't escape.
There's no place to escape.
And instead of doing that work, you dream up of an isolated place where you actually can escape.
A place where you'll never arrive.

Everyone says that it's easy to get through all that work, that if you put your mind to it then it'll be done.
It's not as simple as that though.
It takes time, effort, and skill.

But people want to do what they enjoy, right?
So what's the point of doing all that stupid, useless work?
Reinforce what you did or didn't do in class, to keep something tidy, to not disappoint anyone.

Where am I going with this?
I don't really know.
It's Monday morning, I didn't get any sleep and I'm all ready for school.
It's 6:40, I have another 40 minutes before I leave and I just need to pack up and put my shoes on.
Then I'm out the door.
On my way to school, then coming back home, doing that stupid homework and whatnot.

Secret Love and the Fastest Way to Loneliness

Stay away! Stay away!
She wants your soul.
She'll take your life.
Stay away! Stay away!
It's all secret love and the fastest way to loneliness.

You used me.
You lied to me.
You led me on.
You didn't give me the light of day.
You talked about me behind my back.
You used me.
You lied to me.
You led me on.
You don't even give me an explanation.
You just leave.
You just ignore me.
You continue with your worthless crap.
You used me.
You lied to me.
You led me on.

Well I was searching for something but didn't know what.
And I found a whore on the corner of her street.
She wrapped her arms around me and she kissed me on the mouth.

I know what you are.
Why you are all depressed, and say that you are worthless.
It's because, shocker!
You are.
You are good for nothing.

Like a lamb to the slaughter I followed her home.
Into bed with a stranger.
No one has to know.

You don't commit to anything.
You say you're into romance when you hook up with people all the time.
You are full of crap.
You lie and cheat and sneak your way around everything.
No wonder why you're so 'lonely' and 'upset' and 'depressed'.
I'd be ashamed to be your friend.

She puts on a pretty dress and wears it all over town.
All over town.
Says, "I can give you what you want; escape from the pain.
Nobody has to know."

You shouldn't mean anything to anyone.
Yet you do.
I don't get it.
You're pretty.
But beauty's only skin deep.
You're an ugly person on the inside.
Your personality is split in half.
You're two completely different people.
You put on an act and bravo!
People like you.
People are fooled by your ignorant acts.
Or are they strategic?

With a shake of my face I awoke and saw my fate.
All alone in the darkness.
Chained to the devil's gate.

I'll admit it.
I was a fool.
At least I realized what you truly are.
Scum.

I hear the beautiful voice of wisdom.
Joined by the angels, she sings.
Well her words are sweet like honey.
And sour to my stomach.
She says, "Get on your feet.
Come dine with me in heavenly places.
Where you can hear the angels sing."

You're the fastest way to loneliness.
Are you proud?
I wouldn't be.
Do you not realize it?
You don't know what you're doing?
Or are you perfectly aware of it?
Either way, it's not a good thing.

I can't get enough.
But my soul is rotting.
What have I become?
I can hear the screams of her earlier victims so clearly now.

I know how to feel.
I know what it's like to commit to something.
I don't throw everything around like it's a rubber ball.
You do.
Nothing you do lasts.
You can't keep a thing going on.
Nothing at all.
You can't commit to anything, you 'hopeless romantic', you.

Stay away! Stay away!
She wants your soul.
She'll take your life.

People should realize what you are.
Good on your part, I don't reveal any identities in my entries.
You may think it's you, yet you're never sure.
Unless I plaster your name all over it like there's no tomorrow.
But, unfortunate for them, they won't know what you are.
How you work.
How you feel.
How you manipulate.
I won't tell them.
I don't talk about people behind their backs, like you do.
They should also pay attention, even if they never read this, to the last lines.
It'll be important.

Stay away! Stay away!
It's all secret love and a slippery road to hell.

no lyrics for this title

livee is epic (11:36:21 PM): no but like seriously, if i could have a sister it would be you. i mean like a real sister, if it couldn't be you it would be someone just like you because you're not immature like most of the 8th graders i know, and you understand me better then anyone. better than phoenix or juji or all of them because i know that i can never keep anything from you because you will either help me get through it or just tell me to forget about it, nbd

Riss onthe Coast (11:36:48 PM): omg that has made my life

livee is epic (11:36:59 PM): you've pretty much made mine <3>




LIVEE LIVEE LIVEE COMMA THREE
EDIT:

We Can Dream, But I Can't Stay

Breathe in, breathe out.
Throw yourself in the sea.
It's so much bigger than us.

I am not a selfish person.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Do you not want me to be happy?
Do you want me to be miserable all the time?
Do you not get the fact that I have problems?
Do you not get that those problems can't be fixed by simply telling me that I'm okay and nothing's going to happen to me? Especially when I'm in that dangerous, severe state of mind?
Do you understand?
Do you get me at all?
Do you not care?
Do you underestimate my imagination?
Do you disregard the fact that not everyone can make me happy, not even you?
Do you not know that writing is one thing that can make me happy? Or do you just forget?
Do you hate me?
Do you want to ignore me?
Do you want to make sure that we never talk again?
Do you want to make me guilty?
Do you really, truly, never want to see me ever in your entire lifetime?
Do you feel the need to go back in time and never talk to me?
Do you want to forget all about me since I'm making your life oh so much worse?

Are you aware this applies to you as well?
Are you aware that you are in control of one thing that can make me feel needed?
Are you feeling the same as her?
Are you surprised that I don't care?
Are you sure I'm just lying about that above statement?
Are you as conniving as I portray you to be?
Are you sure this is about you?
Are you really the selfish one here?
Are you just as insane as I am?
Are you even paying attention to this? Or are you brushing this off your shoulder?
Are you certain that you want no longer want anything to do with me?
Are you positive that this can't be about you?
Are you reading this, word for word, trying to find some cryptic meaning in these lines?
Are you thinking that I wrote this for you?
Are you answering all of these questions that might not have been for you?

I have one thing to say to you, just one thing for you to understand.

If you're going, then go.

Can I just be myself?

I won't forfeit my soul for a pretty penny;
Are you listening?
Do I make myself clear?

Today...
I woke up late.
Took my medication, late.
Talked to Tori, wrote with Laura and Alanah.
What I normally do.
And I cried, and my chest it itchy and so are my arms and legs.
What the heck, really.

Therapy tonight, it was good.
There was this ODE magazine, and the opening 'ode' Steve laughed and said I could write better than that. Then we were talking about school, and what career I want to pursue. Then I was saying how someone could actually think that each night they're dying (long story, this is where the session ended up though) and then each morning they're being reborn; and things they experienced before could be like deja vu. It was strange then I mentioned Stefanie, and I started to cry and I told him what was going on. Then he said it was the end of the session (seriously we were five minutes over time) and he was like, any last words?
"I'll die tonight and be born again tomorrow."

Princess rest, we'll talk in our sleep

I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong.

My pills are making me extremely tired.
I'm always exhausted all the time.
Thank you prozac and whatever the fuck else I take.

Last night. Oh boy, last night.
Okay so since I doubt this kid will look at this, I'll pour it out now.
Okay I lied, I'll partially tell the story.
Or tell a story partially.
Whatever, this kid what fighting with me over bisexuality.
He said it was a sin and shit and oh my god I wanted to punch his lights out.
Too bad he lives in Michigan and is like, a half a foot taller than me.
So now he's pissed off at me, and Livee, and he deleted us off of facebook for standing up for what we believe in, and not letting him get to us.
He probably thinks I'm going through a 'phase' anyway e_e

Anyway, what else is new?
I twisted my ankle thanks to dancing to 3OH!3.
I'm going to A Cursive Memory, A Rocket to the Moon, Mercy Mercedes and Stereo Skyline show tomorrow. How the hell's that going to happen?
I missed Livee's party, since I don't live in Michigan.
I'm barely eating anything anymore.
I have no appetite, I sleep 68% of the time, and the only meal I eat is dinner.
I'm supposed to go ice skating tonight, but I don't think that's going to happen.
Some skater, I'm thinking either Joel or Jimmy, is outside skating on the road and it is aggravating me. I don't even know why.
I'm starving, yet still not eating anything.
If I do eat anything, it's Oreos with milk or dinner.
I need to lose the weight, I don't care. I don't think I have an eating disorder.
I just don't want to eat.
And my hair is falling out. I think it's time to get vitamins.

Maybe I can get some long sleeved undershirts and socks at Walmart tonight when someone picks up my sister from her job.

My head's too itchy to wear a hat, I still will wear one though, and I have no desire to shower right now.

Nothing's amusing or entertaining me right now, and the Suite Life of Zack and Cody's on right now. Then Tyra's gonna be on in less than an hour. Maybe I'll have something to eat by then.

And since Alanah is at her friend's house, and Amy and I barely talk, and it's not Laura's day today, I can't write with anyone. I'm not happy about that, I need to write to feel good. It's the only way.

That and watching things with Tori.

Well, whatever. Time to talk to Tori/write by myself/scratch my head/watch tv/sleep/be in pain.

You've got that seed in you

Baby, I'm afraid.
Oh God, I'm afraid.
What will people say?
What will they say?
Well some days I couldn't care less
And others I'm scared half to death
Don't wanna work so hard just to have a heart attack.

You know, medicine is a wonderful thing. I like it.
But it makes me tired. Oh well, that doesn't matter now does it?
At least I'm getting treated, and at least I'm happy.
Happy that I'm getting treated.
Happy that my problems are away, but that's with a pill.
I'm still fucked up.
I'm happy that the pills are working.

Happy about other things....

I'll get back to you on that one.